August 20, 2011 at roughly 4:30 PM, we said “I do.”
Nine years ago, we made the commitment to be loyal to one another “until death do us part.” It doesn’t feel like nine years. But, with a lot of family and friends weddings since ours, it is kind of fun to stay on the dance floor a little longer during the anniversary song.
A tradition today, either during the bridal shower or the wedding ceremony, is to give advice to the bride and groom. But, I feel like I always say the same cliche things. Recently I was thinking more about some of the “big lessons” no one tells you. Here are my top 3.
1.) Quit thinking it’s 50/50 and Start thinking it’s 100/100.
When we were first dating, we both gave it 100%. We wanted to impress one another. Then, once the papers are signed, we see one another’s bad habits–maybe it’s leaving water bottles on the counter or clothes on the bathroom floor, maybe it’s sleeping in when the kids are up, or not rinsing out the dishes before putting in the dishwasher or not sorting the laundry… Things happen. But, I have vowed to give it my 100%. So what if I have to get up with the kids so he can catch a few extra minutes of sleep? I don’t have to water the flowers, maintain the pond, cut the grass. And all of these things, I find pleasure, peace, and sanctuary in, much like he gets pleasure in a few extra minutes of sleep. As a couple, we have to look past the areas that we feel we are carrying all the weight and look for areas that they contribute their 100%, because most of the time it is in an area that you are lacking.
2.) Understand the difference between love and respect.
I love Matthew, but over the years he has taught me more about respect than I have ever imagined. When you have respect for someone you don’t roll your eyes, talk back, undermine him, or do things passive aggressively. Because I respect him I am slower to anger and more understanding. I have become more aware of my actions. I have vowed to not only love but show respect. And when it comes to marriage I believe respect and love are both critical ingredients.
3.) Strive Past Mediocre.
The divorce rate is over 50%. Perhaps it is because each partner doesn’t give 100%? Perhaps it is because respect has been lost? But perhaps it is because people are okay with mediocracy. Yes, marriages changes with kids, and yes we miss the freedom we had to do “adult things.” Kids has changed our relationship, but many times it can force us to say, “we’re good,” and place more priority on different pressing household things. You can only say “we’re good” so many times before the relationship dwindles and the connection that created the family is lost. Just because “we’re good” doesn’t mean we have shared, talked, connected, laughed, or placed value in love. It just means “we are good.” And good, at least to me, is mediocre, which in my head translates to not one of my areas of focus, laziness, and the inability to connect to move forward.
So for all my friends and family members who are preparing to walk down the aisle, this is my advice to you: Strive past mediocre, Impress them daily by giving 100%, and even when it’s hard- always show respect.
And to Matthew- It’s been almost a decade! I love you! I respect you! I am impressed by you! And you bring out the best in me! Thank you for all you do for this family, you are pretty special!
