This morning the website hosting platform I use for the backend of this site auto-renewed. It was unexpected.
Honestly, I have not done anything with my blog in over a year, 15 months to be more exact. I forgot that the hosting platform was due to renew. When it did, I figured it was a sign that I needed to make a decision. Either I was going to have to go figure out how to cancel my renewal (which auto-paid-in-full for the next 3 years) or I would chalk it up to divine intervention and get back to some of my original ideas that I had when I began this page.
Sometimes the world works in mysterious ways. Recently, as I was cleaning out some old journals/ planners from 2019, the same year I launched this site. I stumbled across my original intentions for the purposelyempowered blog and my plans for how I wanted to help people. Reading those journals, I was more ambitious. I was more confident. I was determined. I had dreams. I had goals. I wasn’t so jaded.
But, I also never completely followed through with that plan. In fact, to be completely transparent, for the last three years, I have been on a damn hamster wheel having the same conversations and rarely acting on any of my dreams or desires.
Maybe that is why I quit writing. Maybe the last three years have taken my voice and all the risk out of me and replaced it with a ton of anxiety and angst. Instead of building those dreams, I feel like at times I have hibernated or backed down from my true potential. I have become scared of what people think or how they would react to my ideas, even the people I love and trust. I found myself rolling my eyes at personal development coaches and others who were motivating people to play bigger. I didn’t see the point of playing bigger. I was stuck. I lost that spark.
2022 reflected that “stuckness.” I have gone off the radar. I haven’t felt necessarily empowered. I haven’t felt inspired. It is hard to write and do things to inspire, motivate, and empower others when you don’t feel it yourself. At times I felt like I was going through the motions and at other times I felt like I had so many plates spinning that I couldn’t control them. This year was exhausting and draining… not inspiring… not empowering…
Yes, there were still plenty of good moments. The kids are growing so fast, and it is amazing to watch them flourish. I am thankful for so many blessings I have around me. I look for them all the time and smile. Those habits I have built (finding gratitude, looking for the daily miracle, etc) haven’t changed. Matthew reminds me daily that I am loved and special. We have traveled, even staying in a hotel for the first time with the kids. We have visited friends. I started taking Krav Maga, and have made it to my blue belt. I find a lot of strength in learning how to defend myself.
The studio changed locations, which is a blessing and a much better space to bring growth. It is also closer to home. But, more than anything, I miss my daily conversations with my mom. I haven’t been able to carve out time in my schedule now that I am not driving in the car for 20 minutes spans. Chatting with her was a chance to clear my mind, straighten out my thoughts, bitch and complain without any judgment or repercussions, and realign my ideas.
I wish I could say I quit writing because I have been so busy doing all these amazing things. But, I haven’t. I have been surviving. Life has its seasons. We all need to go through the uncomfortable and take a risk in order to better ourselves for those around us. The autorenewal was my reminder to get back to me and take that risk. So here I am… literally autorenewing a side of me that I have let surrender to circumstance.
