My 3 AM Restless Brain and Anxious Heart

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139: 23-24)

It’s 3 am, and I grab my phone and do the daily Wordle puzzle. It is the 27th night in a row that I have completed this puzzle in the middle of the night, the victory count helps me keep tabs. These middle-of-the-night games should not be my norm- but they are quickly becoming standard. The house is so quiet, except for my racing head. “What’s next? Where are you pointing me to go, God? Just lead and let me follow? I trust you, but would really like some answers as to what your plan is for me. Change is hard and super uncomfortable. I don’t like this uncomfortable feeling, this feeling of not knowing. I wish I could just fall asleep, turn off my head, and find peace for a few more hours…”

Eventually, sleep returns And the 5:30 alarm goes off, only to start my day, with that same unknowing pit in my belly.

Insomnia and stress go hand in hand for me. When I am worried, anxious, and not knowing what to expect, I find myself awake thinking, problem-solving, strategizing, and praying for answers. I am not one to get mad at the situation, I simply want to fix it and make it right by my book. And I WANT TO DO IT NOW, and I don’t care if it is 3 am!!! It’s hard to give up that control and trust that things will work out. My personality wants to bulldoze my path forward with confidence and awe. But internally, there is doubt, questioning, and worry, which all manifest in the middle of the night.

Those limiting beliefs of not being good enough, not knowing what I am doing, and people not taking me seriously all creep into that already noisy mental space. Those voices can be soul-crushing. The question of whether or not my decisions are correct also lingers. Is this the next right step?

And then (I like to think through divine intervention) it hits me. I want to expand. The anxiousness, though not fun, is calling me to grow. The next step in my growth is to make a decision and begin to follow through, which will build that confidence and fight that limitations and doubt. Failure perhaps is part of that process, but then I will make another decision and try again.

Without getting everyone’s hopes up, I have some cool things happening this year. They are things I have been thinking about for quite a while now, and it’s time to see where they take me. I can’t share more yet, but soon (probably not tomorrow, or this week, or maybe even this month… but soon). And I am placing all my hope and faith that it helps lead me to something more everlasting.