Yesterday I got to share in a powerful brainstorming session with a good friend. She desires to write a book. As we talked and shared stories, her face lit up with energy and passion about her project. You could see the wheels turning in her brain as we developed possibilities for her book.
“I can’t wait to get home and start writing,” is how we left our brainstorming session. With an action plan in hand, she found new motivation to put her dream into words.
This experience brought me back to my teaching days. One of my favorite parts of teaching was to sit down with students and help them think. As we talked, they developed ideas. Soon, their ideas had organization, structure, and powerful prose that they were proud of.
I try to do the same thing at the kickboxing studio. I enjoy sitting down with members, discussing their goals, and strategizing ways for them to achieve their results. Members faces light up when they realize that a healthy, confident lifestyle can be theirs.
But, sharing ideas and dreams can also be scary. It is as if you say it out loud, and the universe knows your desires. You have the possibility of being judged. It places you in an area of vulnerability that makes many (including me) uncomfortable.
Though I have developed the art of listening with a non-judgemental, helpful ear… I sometimes feel vulnerable when I want to share my ideas. In fact, I have chose to not share much since March. Personally, I think the world has been very “judgey” lately, and I don’t want to be judged. Therefore, I have chosen to be silent. I write in a personal journal, where it is not read by anyone and, therefore, safe.
But this brainstorming session yesterday was actually really powerful. It allowed me to see that I, too, need to share ideas in order to re-ignite my passion as well. When I was studying literature in grad school, I used to argue that storytelling kept us human. It is the sharing of experiences, thoughts, and deep connections that allows us to feel, learn, and grow.
Yesterday’s brainstorming and sharing of ideas allowed me to find my creative spirit again. It allowed me to think, and ultimately to be inspired in a way that I haven’t felt since March. It was great to have two of us leave a conversation with the inspiration and motivation to put our ideas into words.
The world has had me in a creative funk lately. I have also gone back to the studio and teaching kickboxing classes, which means life is shifting again. This idea of “new normal,” “old normal,” “normal normal,” has me thinking a lot.
In the fitness world people come into the studio looking to build healthy habits, lose weight, tone up, reduce stress, and improve stamina. Many times these people have experienced failure in their fitness or health routines, which ultimately destroys their confidence in obtaining a healthy lifestyle. In turn, they begin to tell themselves “weight loss is hard,” “working out is boring,” “they don’t have time to cook,” etc. Unfortunately, these stories they tell themselves get reinforced each time they decide to start a new healthy routine but allow the old bad habits to take control.
What if, I told you one of the biggest ways to actually feel successful is to shift your perspective? What do I mean? With the world shut down and reopening in 2020 we have had to experience all kinds of shifts in our daily routines. These shifts are a change of perspective. Why not apply these same shifts to our health, creating a “new normal,” or the normal that you have always really wanted to strive for but quit.
I know, you may be thinking, “Shelley this sounds difficult. I don’t know how to create a New Normal for my health.” And I am here to tell you that the first step is actually way easier than you anticipate. This idea begins with you rebranding yourself. In the past you told yourself “weight loss is hard.” That is how you branded the idea. What if you decide that this time you brand yourself as a “healthy person.” By declaring this as your new identity, you will do the things a healthy person does. You will move, you will eat nutritious food, you will take care of your body. Each time you make a decision about going to workout, eat, or rest, you will make that decision based on what you, the “healthy person” does.
Personally for me, I have rebranded myself several times, from athlete to scholar to athlete to healthy mom. Each one of these was a shift in my perspective. As it shifted I was able to find success and rewards, the biggest being gaining confidence.
Seven years ago when I took my first kickboxing class, I was determined to feel like an athlete. I trained like an athlete. I ate (80% of the time) like an athlete to fuel myself for my training. As a result, my body looked like that of an athlete. Then four years ago, my identity had to shift again. I had just became a mom. As many ladies understand, mom bodies are one of the hardest things to tone and tighten. One of my other issues is that I didn’t know my identity any more. I wasn’t just an athlete. I was a mom. Therefore, I had to recreate what I wanted my version of “athletic mom” to look like. It took time. I also realized that certain things were more important than flat abs and ripped muscles. I wanted energy to keep up and play with the kids. I wanted to eat healthy foods to help my kids learn about the importance of a balanced diet. I wanted to move in order to have the strength to pick up my kids effortlessly.
For the past four years (and another kid later), I have been living the “athletic mom” identity. Some results of the athlete like pre-baby weight or muscle mass, took two years to achieve. But the most important thing is that this identity is someone I am proud of.
Moral of the story, rebrand yourself to change your perspective, which will change your actions and your actions ultimately determine your success.
I have been in a Toastmaster’s group for over a year now. Each week we have an extemporaneous section of our meeting, where one person calls on different members to answer questions. This week was around the theme of habits and morning routines.
I understand that some people are not morning people. It is difficult to get people up and going. One member reminded me that she actually has her most energy in the middle of the day, and that is where she finds her most productive time. Other’s do more in their first three hours. While other’s just wish.
I know I have mentioned what I do in the morning, but what is it that makes it stick? Why can I actually create these habits. There is one trick that allows me to actually break the old habit and follow through with what I am trying to do, no matter the time of the day. Mornings just work well for me… What is the trick?
When I get go to bed, I know what is something that I want to accomplish. For example, it if I want my habit to be to get out of bed and read in the morning… it is easy to hit the snooze and just fall back asleep. Most people do it.
But, here is what happens in my mind next. I tell myself, I wanted to get up and I have the INTEGRITY and SELF CREDIBILITY to get out of bed like I intended. Someone with integrity and self credibility will do what they wished, someone without it doesn’t. And quite honestly, I don’t want to be someone without integrity and self credibility. Therefore, I push past that little voice that says to “hit the snooze,” or “not read the book.”
Pretty soon I was getting out of bed when I intended, without thinking about it. Yes, that habit was created. Over time, I could add in more to the morning routine. I would remind myself that I had the integrity and self credibility to get in done. Guess what pretty soon I was getting up and making my bed. Then with the same strategy I was drinking more water, reading, and moving. It all didn’t happen at once. And even today, when I want to add something in, I go back to the idea that I have the INTEGRITY AND SELF CREDIBILITY to create the habit that I want.
Next time you find yourself hitting the snooze button or derailing from the habit that you want to create, take a moment and remind yourself that you have self credibility and integrity to do what you intend to do. Then just go! You got this.
Confession- I struggle with contentment. But every 5 or 6 years that word, “content,” reveals itself, and I immediately try to get moving- like it is not okay to be content, because there is always better. And if I am not in pursuit of getting better, I am settling for the status quo. I hate settling.
Defined by Webster’s Dictionary, to be content is to be in a state of satisfaction.
Yesterday I was asked to be content again. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I read a morning devotional. The reading was about finding contentment in current circumstances…. Dang! Isn’t that just perfect timing. The last thing that I am focusing on in life is contentment. What a lesson… It was like I was being called to pay attention.
Current circumstances are far from normal for any of us. Many of us are out of work, or being asked to work from home. At the same time we are taking on roles unfamiliar to us, like teachers for our kids. To further complicate matters, many of us are scared. Fear of the unknown, unable to plan. It is hard to find contentment in this current circumstance.
Where is contentment or satisfaction found in this moment?
I find satisfaction in sticking to my workouts. I feel better after a workout, even if it is not perfect, it is done. And getting it done gives me a moment of contentment…. plus working out gets the good hormones going, and those hormones make people happier.
The second place I find contentment in my kids’ smiles. When I am playing with the kids and involved in their kids, they light up. Granted Jack and Lily are not school aged, therefore, their daily routines have not changed, but taking the few moments to act like a kid again with them and to smile is a nice way to find contentment.
The next place contentment is found is talking to my family, whether it is through a video phone call or face to face. There is a sense of closeness and comfort while talking to the people I love.
Where do I not find contentment… I don’t find it while watching the news, there is little satisfaction that I find by watching the constant tally of positive COVID-19 tests and death tolls. I wish we would celebrate the recoveries and keep our eyes on the number that are recovering. I find satisfaction in those numbers.
I don’t find contentment at the grocery store, hearing of the scarcity within the shelves is sad. But, it is where our current circumstances are at today. Maybe my lesson is to find contentment in these places?
I don’t find a ton of contentment reading Facebook. Therefore, I try to post things that make me happy and that I am grateful for. When I shift my perspective, I find contentment. But I am grateful that so many people have used Facebook as a way to stay connected during these times. For example, I am so honored to still be able to teach the members at the studio through Facebook Live as well as watch church services on that platform as well.
In turbulent circumstances, finding the good brings a sense that everything will be okay. I, more than ever, need to remind myself that I have no control over a lot of present circumstances. But I do have control on what I focus on. I can find the good. I can notice moments that allow me satisfaction and happiness. When I do so, contentment feels a lot better, there is hope and relief.
Therefore, my challenge to all of you- notice moments of contentment in your life each day. Find them. Cherish them. Let them grow and bring you more hope and satisfaction. Let’s find happiness during these circumstances. Because, that still exists. Sometimes you just need to search a little harder.
I haven’t written because I don’t know what to say….
I haven’t written because I don’t understand…
I haven’t written because I don’t know how to say it…
I haven’t written because I don’t want to say the wrong thing…
I haven’t written…
And silence sometimes speaks louder than words.
And silence sometimes is okay…
It gives us time to think, to create, to invent, to comprehend, to pray…
And silence sometimes is not okay…
It gives us time to think, to be in our heads, to find the negativity…
Just because I haven’t published on here doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing a lot of thinking. Journaling daily has become a habit, ideas are flowing. I really believe that COVID-19 will enter history books. The response that our country is taking to reduce the spread of this virus is new. It is different. Many times new and different are scary words for people. People rarely go out looking for something new and different. Now, we are being forced to accept the new and different. Again, a term people don’t like- forced.
Personally, I don’t mind new approaches to problem solving. I enjoy thinking outside of the box and coming up with a new solution. Asking people to self quarantine is definitely a new approach to the age-old problem of spreading germs and viruses. Is it the best approach? I don’t know. Time will tell as the virus continues to spread or the economy shifts. But we will learn from this approach.We will figure out how to adapt it into different more reasonable ways. We may even save some lives. Who knows.
As for work, yes, my industry was affected. The gym is forced to close. But one skill that the leadership team is great at is pivoting and making adjustments. Never in my life have I seen new systems implemented and products available as I have witnessed in the last 72 hours. In that time we have began an online class program, have gotten up a portal for members to participate in a FREE 30 day challenge equipped with fitness, accountability, and nutrition, recorded endless amounts of video for members to have access to different types of workout at their disposal, and more. It has been a collective effort. And it has been awesome learning this new methods of being able to help people (even though we have had to do it all very quickly). I am thankful for being a part of it, and helping the implementation take hold so quickly.
One thing that I love about what I do is the community. We have the best people involved in our organization. I look forward to seeing their faces come into the studio and chatting. I feel like our members have done some pretty great things to keep our community thriving even though they are not in the studio. I pray that that continues, and we are continuing to be creative to keep it going as long as we have to. Trust us members, we are here for you and will do everything in our power to create value in what we have to offer.
I think I have said enough now… I think I want to go back to thinking… I think I want to find new things to say… I think I want to continue to understand…. I think I will write again, soon!
Motivation, it comes, it goes… we sometimes have it flowing through our veins and other days we wish their was an IV that we could insert to put it in. I totally get it.
At the studio I ask members what is one thing that I have permission to say to you when you want to quit. I get a variety of answers. Some will say “remind me why I started,” or “tell me that I am paying for this,” or “tell me to suck it up.” While all of those are fine answers, I personally have a different perspective and one that I probably don’t share enough.
When I graduated grad school, my dad wrote me a letter, his own personal commencement speech.
In the letter he told me that there is value in hard work. The value, however, doesn’t come in money. Instead it comes in “smiles.” There is a sense of accomplishment that we get that forces us to smile when we do a good job, or you watch someone under your guidance succeed. In the letter Dad says, “do the things in life that make you smile and make other’s smile- these are the things that have lasting value and will determine if you are successful. Strive for success- strive for smiles.”
When I lose motivation, I often resort to this letter. I ask myself if I am striving to reach the reward of a smile for myself, a reward of a job well done, of success. This applies to fitness. Either when I don’t want to go or I want to not give it my all, I ask am I striving to feel successful in my workout? In my health? Additionally, it also applies to how I approach the business side of the studio- am I adding positive value to other people’s lives where they “smile” more with confidence? Am I building people up making their lives better and in turn smiling more myself?
When motivation wanes, I know I need to find those smiles again. I need to experience the satisfaction of a job well done. It gets me inspired to continue. And that is the easiest way to get me moving in the right direction to finding that motivation.
Morale of the story- seek moments of success and a job well done. They will inspire and motivate you for a longer time than simply having someone else “remind me why I started” or “just tell me that I am paying for it.” Because the smile, the satisfaction, and ultimately the success will keep you going.
In my previous blog I discussed how I wish someone would have taught me the skill to set boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no safe zone. Without boundaries we often feel stressed, overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or angry. We all have a breaking point, and when we reach it, it is normally because we are living without boundaries. In order to have healthy boundaries, the first thing we must understand is our limits.
Below are three key areas to consider when you want to start to set boundaries in any area in your life.
#1: Give yourself permission to set boundaries. For so many people you may feel guilty for setting up what is acceptable in life and what is not. Especially if you are a people pleaser and often find yourself saying “Yes” to everything and taking on too much, take a moment, have a heart to heart with yourself and let yourself take control of what you allow your boundaries to be. When you give yourself permission you are more likely to be honest with yourself about what you consider to be acceptable and what is not.
#2 Analyze areas in your life, especially people and situations, that cause you stress. These areas are normally the areas where the boundaries are being pushed. Think about it, certain people are probably not respecting your time or energy, or certain situations that cause overwhelm happen to be repeating over and over again. This is due to the fact that your boundaries don’t keep these situations or people out, and you keep allowing them in causing you more stress. Once you have the list, you can come up with a solution to fix it. If you can’t keep them out, come up with a way to co-habitat in a way that allows you to keep your situation.
#3 Practice direct communication in order to establish a healthy boundary. Now here is where the change really happens. Once the point of stress is identified, we have to “wo-man up” and have the tough conversation with the people or with yourself about the situations that cause you stress and begin to create the relationship and situation that works for us.
Now please note- once that boundaries have been defined and set, they will be tested. You are going to have to uphold those lines. But if you want to create a space of less stress, you are going to have to be strong and committed.
In order to stay committed, remind yourself of the stress that happens when those boundaries are not set. By reminding yourself of how it feels, you will immediately begin to enforces those lines that you drew as acceptable or not acceptable. Each time you re-enforce that line, it becomes stronger and easier to maintain.
Boundaries- they are a game changer. But you must learn how to set them and “wo-man up” in order to enforce them and keep the stress levels not as overwhelming.
Where are some areas in your life where you notice you need to follow these 3 steps to creating a healthy boundary and relationship?
This post is the speech that I have been delivering in my Toastmaster’s Competitions. Many people have asked what I am discussing, and I struggle with explaining it. Therefore, I thought it was wise to share my entire speech with you here. Please be mindful that I have hand gestures and vocal changes which help bring the point home.
“You’re gonna lose… you’re gonna lose.” (said with my hands up by my ears and in the most annoying, nasally voice possible.)
Some of you may recall the line from the 90’s film about a women’s professional baseball league entitled “A League of Their Own.” Stirwell Angel, a son of one of the female players stands in front of the dug out before the World Series Game and states, “You’re Gonna Lose.” Jimmy Dugan, the coach, immediately grabs a nearby baseball mitt, chucks it at Stirwell, and knocks him over.
Fellow Toastmasters and guests, I have a secret. I know that annoying nasally voice of Stirwell Angel all to well. However, I can’t knock it out with a pitch of a baseball mitt. Why? Because that voice lives inside of my head.
**Same annoying, nasally voice and hands in my ears** “You’re not good enough, You’re not good enough”
This voice started when I was 12. I was in a dance company and we were getting ready to perform a competition number to Gene Kelly’s “Singing in the Rain.” Being tall I was normally in the center of a line. But this year, I was not front row center. Instead I was in the second row. Every time we would practice or perform the number, I would look at the my peers in front of me and tell myself “you’re not good enough, they are better than you.”
** Same annoying, nasally voice and hands in my ears** “You don’t know what you are doing, You don’t know what you’re doing.”
This voice started when I was 18. I had just graduated high school and was ready to go to college. I knew from a very young age what I wanted to go to college, but that thing is unlike Danielle who was pursuing education, or Billy who was majoring in engineering or Jackie who was studying pre-med, there was Shelley “UNDECIDED.” To me it was like there was this neon flashing light high above my head telling the world, “You don’t know what you are doing… ” and the more I paid attention to that light that bigger and brighter it grew… and in turn the smaller and smaller my confidence became.
** Same annoying, nasally voice and hands in ears** “People won’t take you seriously, people won’t take you seriously”
This voice started about 5 years ago. I was having lunch with one of my friends. I was trying to explain to her how I was getting ready to change careers from “college composition instructor” to “fitness kickboxing coach.” I can still hear her voice as she briefly laughed then said… “oh wait, you’re serious.”
“You’re not good enough, You don’t know what you’re doing. People won’t take you seriously…” Fellow Toastmasters and guests, I hear these voices, and I am sure many of you hear them too. For some people they may be debilitating- stopping you dead in your tracks, not allowing you to move forward for pursue your dreams.
But I have a second secret. I have learned to shut these voices up and live BEYOND LIMITS. Would you like me to share them with you?
That first voice, that one that says “you’re not good enough.” I have learned to silence this voice by becoming a student of the game. At the age of 12 I learned to study the best dancers in my studio. I mimicked the way they practice and their stage presence. Pretty soon, I was front row center in all my company’s numbers. But I took this skill of being a student of the game with me to a high level volleyball career, to graduate school, even to Toastmasters. By becoming a student of the game I learned that I can study from the people who are good enough and in turn become good enough myself and live BEYOND LIMITS.
That second voice, that one that says “you don’t know what you are doing.” This voice took me the longest to over come. At first I thought by declaring different majors I would silence that voice. Therefore, I jumped from undecided to psychology to education. And after 4 years I graduated with an English degree. From there I went to graduate school. Then I thought about pursing my PhD or a law degree or my MBA. Eventually I figured out that it was too expensive to be a professional student and had to step into the real world. It was scary. But, I learned a valuable lesson, yes I may not know what I am doing… but I have learned a whole lot in my past experiences to give me the knowledge to figure out that I know exactly what I am doing. When I draw on past experiences and knowledge I can live BEYOND LIMITS.
That final voice that one that say, “people won’t take you seriously.” This voice I learned to quiet when I began taking myself seriously. You see, when you take yourself seriously you breathe passion and passion is contagious. People are drawn to it and are influenced by it. That is when you begin to have an impact. When I began to take myself seriously, others did as well, and that is how you learn to live BEYOND LIMITS.
Yes, I hear those voices that tell me I am not good enough, I don’t know what I am doing, and people won’t take me seriously. But I have learned that when I become a student of the game, draw on past knowledge, and take myself seriously that I can push past those limiting beliefs and live BEYOND LIMITS… But more importantly it is what Jimmy Dugan says after he knocks down Stirwell Angel and his annoying limiting belief that actually allows us the hope and motivation to more forward. He says, “We’re gonna Win… We’re gonna WIN,”
I am a firm believer that first impressions matter. It all starts with “Hello.” How you introduce yourself is a scary thing. So much rides on how someone interprets you as a person. Yikes!
So let’s just smile, say, hi and jump right into it.
I hope y’all enjoy the content that is coming your way soon, because I am excited to help, share, and serve others to become better communicators, more aware, massively efficient in your daily life, and ultimately empowered, strong people.
